Thank you, Céline, for introducing us to Sherri Irvin. I appreciated the invitation to reflect on the aesthetics of everyday life. The excerpt below prompted my subsequent Agreement, Question and Wonderment:
"I’m thinking about this in relation to appearance-based compliments: empirical results show that they tend to make people feel good in the short term, but they can also increase our tendency to scan our bodies for flaws and defects. Complimenting promotes warm relationships but also serves disciplinary functions of steering people (especially women) toward compliance with norms that are intertwined with social hierarchies. I’m considering whether and how we might revise our complimenting practices to preserve their positive role in relationships while diminishing their harmful effects."
W-"empirical results show"-- I find this sort of reference to unidentified sources tabloid manipulative and sound-bite dismissive of readers' entitlement to know from where the referred-to data is derived. Whose observation, experience, or experiments? How large are the samples? Representative of whom?
A-Yes, I agree that, from infancy onward, compliments are overtly, covertly, and incessantly used to "steer people toward compliance with norms that are intertwined with social hierarchies." I intentionally deleted "(especially women)" as I suspect half the population would disagree with that exclusionary phrase, including every boy child who grew up to become a female person. "Good boy" is no less a manipulative tool than is "good girl."
Q-What I find curiously missing from this discussion is the reflection upon the the speaker's own irresistible urge to remark at all about another person's physical appearance. To first ask oneself "Why do I feel an impulse to comment?" "What do I want this person to give back to me for my acknowledgment? A smile? A purchase? Reciprocal confirmation that I'm a 'good/pretty girl', too?" If we feel admiration for another, feel anything at all in response to another's way of showing up, why not simply hold them in quiet esteem, and hold our tongue?
Linguists have found that women give and receive far more compliments than men, and are far more likely to receive compliments focused on their appearance. (See, e.g., the 2013 book Language and Gender by linguists Penelope Eckert and Sally McConnell-Ginet.) This is one reason why complimenting practices have especially pronounced effects on women, including women who occupy minoritized identities (disabled women, women of color, fat women, queer women, etc.). The word "women," in my usage, includes trans women.
Thank you, Sherri, for offering the links to your research sources. However, your expanded inclusion of "women" by all current labels, does not dissuade me from perceiving as inaccurate your reiterated assertion "complimenting practices have especially pronounced effects on women." For decades, I worked predominantly with men and can attest to their susceptibility to being wounded by superficial comments. For me, the great benefit of your research is helping all people become more robustly resistant to both intentional and simply ignorant commentary aimed at them.
Thank you, Céline, for introducing us to Sherri Irvin. I appreciated the invitation to reflect on the aesthetics of everyday life. The excerpt below prompted my subsequent Agreement, Question and Wonderment:
"I’m thinking about this in relation to appearance-based compliments: empirical results show that they tend to make people feel good in the short term, but they can also increase our tendency to scan our bodies for flaws and defects. Complimenting promotes warm relationships but also serves disciplinary functions of steering people (especially women) toward compliance with norms that are intertwined with social hierarchies. I’m considering whether and how we might revise our complimenting practices to preserve their positive role in relationships while diminishing their harmful effects."
W-"empirical results show"-- I find this sort of reference to unidentified sources tabloid manipulative and sound-bite dismissive of readers' entitlement to know from where the referred-to data is derived. Whose observation, experience, or experiments? How large are the samples? Representative of whom?
A-Yes, I agree that, from infancy onward, compliments are overtly, covertly, and incessantly used to "steer people toward compliance with norms that are intertwined with social hierarchies." I intentionally deleted "(especially women)" as I suspect half the population would disagree with that exclusionary phrase, including every boy child who grew up to become a female person. "Good boy" is no less a manipulative tool than is "good girl."
Q-What I find curiously missing from this discussion is the reflection upon the the speaker's own irresistible urge to remark at all about another person's physical appearance. To first ask oneself "Why do I feel an impulse to comment?" "What do I want this person to give back to me for my acknowledgment? A smile? A purchase? Reciprocal confirmation that I'm a 'good/pretty girl', too?" If we feel admiration for another, feel anything at all in response to another's way of showing up, why not simply hold them in quiet esteem, and hold our tongue?
Hi A.T. Lynne,
Thank you for your thoughts. I agree that a strategy worth considering in many contexts is simply not commenting on someone else's appearance.
One example of relevant empirical results about complimenting and self-surveillance is Calogero et al. 2009. The full citation and abstract are available here: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.1471-6402.2008.01479.x.
Linguists have found that women give and receive far more compliments than men, and are far more likely to receive compliments focused on their appearance. (See, e.g., the 2013 book Language and Gender by linguists Penelope Eckert and Sally McConnell-Ginet.) This is one reason why complimenting practices have especially pronounced effects on women, including women who occupy minoritized identities (disabled women, women of color, fat women, queer women, etc.). The word "women," in my usage, includes trans women.
Sherri Irvin
Thank you, Sherri, for offering the links to your research sources. However, your expanded inclusion of "women" by all current labels, does not dissuade me from perceiving as inaccurate your reiterated assertion "complimenting practices have especially pronounced effects on women." For decades, I worked predominantly with men and can attest to their susceptibility to being wounded by superficial comments. For me, the great benefit of your research is helping all people become more robustly resistant to both intentional and simply ignorant commentary aimed at them.